ink in pain

It is possible for a reader to be surprised or shocked by aspects of a theme or issue found in texts.




The theme of a text can have a great impact on the reader's feelings and contain essential aspects of the narrative. When I studied the novel 'Circle of Friends' (COF) by Maeve Binchy, I was undoubtedly surprised by the complex relationships surrounding the text. In 'COF', there is a range of complex couples and friendships but I believe Benny and Jack's love story surpass all the other relations in terms of complexity.




Benny is portrayed as a kind-hearted but insecure overweight girl from a small fictitious town called Knockglen and Jack is depicted as a popular, good-looking boy who comes from a well-known family. They meet under tragic circumstances: a tragic accident on the first day of college takes the life of student Frank Hegarty and injures Benny's best friend Eve, but it also brings the girls together with fellow students Nan Mahon and Jack Foley. Benny immediately falls in love with Jack but at first, he had only eyes for the beautiful, graceful Nan and later describes Benny like 'just a nice girl' and 'not a girl in that sense'. I thought it was predictable that Nan and Jack would be together as it fitted perfectly the typical 'jock-and-cheerleader' mould, deeply adored by novelists and directors. As the story progressed, I witnessed many popular and beautiful girls dispute for Jack's attention and completely dismiss Benny as a potential girlfriend for him, because they thought she was too unattractive. He slowly starts to see her as a girlfriend - asking her for a tour of Knockglen, dancing with her more than with any other girl in the college dance and inviting her over to a party at his house - what left me very surprised. Benny was completely in love with him and unexpectedly enough, he was in love with her too.



For a while, Jack and Benny experienced the honeymoon stage of their relationship: he was respectful and affectionate* and they went on dates regularly during the day in Dublin, going to restaurants and meeting up with friends, always proudly holding hands with her. Suddenly, conflict arises when Benny's father dies and she has to spend most of her free time with her mother. Jack wants his girlfriend to spend nights and weekends with him despite the fact she needed to be with her family in that difficult time, and this really shocked me because this was an immature and selfish attitude that contradicted his seemingly loving and patient personality. When he had to go to Wales to play a rugby match, he wanted Benny to go with him and was upset when she refused to as she had to stay with her mother. He promised to call her every day - so Benny spent three days beside the phone afraid of missing his call, but Jack didn't call her at all. She assumed he just didn't have access to a telephone because she is very naive. In college, Jack avoided her - and then Benny learned from Eve that he apparently drunkenly kissed a 'blonde' while in Wales. I was perplexed once again as it didn't seem to fit his character to cheat.


On chapter sixteen, Jack declares his love for Benny but shortly after, he encounters himself in the moral dilemma of having a 'lover and a patient loving girlfriend' which was completely desultory. One night, he went to the cinema with Nan Mahon as per Benny's request: she didn't want her boyfriend to be alone while she had to go home and mind her grieving mother. The two girls are very good friends at this point and Benny trusts that Jack is blind to Nan's good charms. I was absolutely horrified when Jack and Nan kissed and even more when they processed to sleep together several times behind Benny's back - principally because they were two of the people closest to her. Nan then tells Jack that she is pregnant and that he is the father, which is a lie, forcing him to assume the child and break the heart-breaking news to Benny. Moreover, this betrayal was very sudden - making it even more shocking to me. The tension is visible in each line of their conversation in the St Stephen's Green park and it is a horror climatic moment in the novel when Jack tells her that he will marry Nan in three weeks, which baffled me because I didn't think Jack would marry her so soon.


At the end, Nan's lies were revealed and she miscarried. Jack tried to get back together with Benny but astonishingly she didn't think twice about rejecting him because after this very complicated and rough relationship, she built up a well-deserved self-confidence. Therefore, aspects of themes in texts can most definitely  make a reader surprised and shocked.




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For my comparative study course, I also studied 'The King's Speech' (TKS) directed by Tom Cooper and 'A Doll's House' (ADH) by Henrik Ibsen. Both present the audiences with relationships that are very complex in nature. Their complexities and their conflicts add tension to text in several different occasions. Unlike 'A Doll's House' whose its main complex relationship is the married couple Nora and Torvald Helmer, the one in 'The King's Speech' I will be discussing is the friendship between Logue and Bertie.



In both texts, the first interaction between the characters was quite surprising. In 'TKS', we see a horribly arrogant Bertie who looks down upon the speech therapist Lionel Logue. Bertie is the prince of the British Commonwealth, and when Logue suggests that they should call each other by the first name and treat themselves as equals, Bertie throws a tantrum saying that it's absolutely ridiculous which appalled me because I expected him to be graceful with his response considering that he's royalty - he was blunt and conceited saying that if they were equals he would 'be home with his wife' and not at therapy. In a somewhat different manner, the first interaction between Nora and Torvald is quite bizarre and happens in the opening scene of the play, differently to Bertie and Logue's whose  first interaction took place a few scenes after into the film. I was disconcerted when Torvald called his wife 'thoughtless', spoke to her as if she's a child and completely dismissed her when she said she would like money for Christmas rather than a present. He then asked if she hadn't 'nibbled macaroons' in a father-like  manner  Their interaction is in direct contrast with Logue and Bertie's - Bertie is brutally honest with Logue on his thoughts about they being treated as equals, but Torvald camouflages his discontent with concern when talking to his wife, which is stunning** because I would expect their attitudes to be the complete opposite - Bertie to be sensible and handle Logue's suggestion is a diplomatic manner and Torvald to be direct with Nora.




While in 'TKS' I saw Logue and Bertie's unlikely friendship progressing, the opposite is seen in 'ADH'. Nora is keeping a secret from her husband for many years - the fact that she forged the signature on a loan she took to pay for the treatment of Torvald's unknown illness - and now, Krogstad, a disgruntled employee, is blackmailing her with this secret to get his job back. Torvald and Nora don't have a mutual understanding like Logue and Bertie, because Torvald doesn't realise his wife's frenetic affliction when she begs him to give Krogstad's job back, what really surprised me as I thought it was odd how they were married for eight years but they clearly didn't understand each other. In contrast to the married couple, the men in 'TKS' develop a strong connection over a short span of time which left me stupefied after I witnessed how terribly awkward was their first meeting. He starts to work on his speech impediment after he listens to the tape recorded by Logue, where he pronounces each word perfectly and after that, they saw each other every day. It was surprising to see how strong Bertie's determination to overcome his stammer was  - so strong that he grew out of his sense of superiority, somewhat similarly to how Nora was adamant about keeping her secret - so adamant that she almost humiliates herself so Krogstad doesn't tell her husband. fter Bertie's father's death, he goes to Logue's apartment and he tells Logue about the King's last words - Bertie's name. It is a crucial and unexpected moment when Bertie sits close to his speech therapist and reveals details of his rough childhood - how much of a strict disciplinarian his father was, that his brother used to bully him and how the family hid away his epileptic brother Johnny. I was amazed at the positive progress of their friendship. Nothing like this is evident in 'ADH': even though Nora and Helmer are married, they don't have any intimate moment that shows how much they trust one another, which was rather unanticipated for me.


What was most shocking to me was the conflicts of these complex relationships. The conflicts in the two texts are quite different: Bertie lashes out at Logue when he talks about how Bertie may be the next King and that he shouldn't be afraid and Torvald feels betrayed that Nora took the loan behind his back and forged the signature. In 'TKS' I was caught completely off guard because it happened so swiftly and they were so close that I didn't expect Bertie to storm out like he did and say such hurtful things to his friend, like calling him the 'disappointing son of a brewer'. In a different way in 'ADH', Torvald's reaction was easily predictable to an extent, but I hadn't expected him to be so extreme. His melodramatic attitude was astounding: he calls Nora a 'wretched woman', says that he will never trust her with their children again and that they will only pretend to be married, but will sleep in different beds. Bertie and Torvald act very similarly in these conflicts as both don't measure their words and seem to not consider how hurtful they can be. 

Angie is freaking her brains out.

'OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.'

She was going on like that for 5 minutes straight.

'ANGIE, SHUT UP! YOU'RE KILLING ME!' Alison was the first one to say it.

'NO, YOU'RE KILLING ME, SINCE YOU ARE ALL ALREADY DEAD!' I explode.

Bad timing, because it was right when this Sound Tech-looking woman entered the toilet. She tried pretending to not have heard me going, uh, berserk.

'SHUT UP YOU, YOU.... CHEESEBALL!' Angie says like a 12-year-old.

Matt laughs. He laughs so loud I can't even hear my own thoughts (literally). Then Alison giggles. It starts as a very low, dry giggle, and it ascends to a I-can't-even-breath type of laugh. I can't keep myself together and do what I do every time I find something funny: bend my chest to knees, tapping the nearest surface around me violently and clumsily and make pig noises.

'Rron, rron' Angie now mimics me.

This is when none of us can handle it anymore. Even if it doesn't sound funny to you, it was hilarious. Among all of the craziness and nonsense, I realised there was something to laugh at and up until that moment, I didn't know much I - or we - needed this.

I pull myself together after a few minutes and exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale.

'It's BackStreet Boys time.'

--

'Ok, look. Here's what you're gonna do: go up to them and like, say hi and stuff. Be cool, okay? Then, say 21st March 2005.' Angie says.

'Should I ask why?' I ask.
'No need. You will see for yourself.'

Okie dokie. I walk out of the bathroom and act like I own the place. You see, I never listened to Backstreet Boys. I don't even know their names. I see the VIP room, where I assume they are at.  The door is open and I see a tall person, blonde with a stylish haircut. Angie points out frenetically said haircut belongs to  'Nick' ('the cutest of all!!', I quote). Realising these 5 men were in a circle (ready to sacrifice a virgin to Satan to keep their eternal beauty, probably), I walk slowly towards them, still pretending to be the French Costume woman.

'Hi.' I say.

'HI? YOU'RE A DORK! OMG JESUSCHRISTHELPM-' Angie went on in my head.

'Uhn, what's up?' Nick confusely asks me.

'21st March 2005.'

'Oh my God.' They said, almost in unison. Shocked and speechless, the Backstreet boys opened their circle and stared at me.

Even if I sold my liver I still wouldn't be able to afford the backstage ticket to the Backstreet boys, the only ones available at the stand. Not only because my liver is destroyed by years of Budweiser and vodka and probably wouldn't be worth much, but also because it was very expensive.

Mornings are bad as they are, but the particular one after the encounter with Thor was ''Donald Trump'' bad. The atmosphere between us was so heavy, if I were to weigh my head, it would weigh the same of Shaquille O'Neal's. And that guy weighs 147 kg altogether.

'Okay, peeps. Y'all hear me,' Angie's voice rang in my head like the worst hangover. 'We gotta move on. Wallowing on this situation ain't gonna help no one.'
I giggle. I can hear Matt smiling.
'Wow. You just sounded like a stereotypical black person.' Alison comments, speaking for all of us, unimpressed.
'Alison, you can't just tell people they sound black.' I said, in reference to Mean Girls. No one got it, needless to say.
'Yeah, that's just racist.' Angie's girly and high-pitched voice returned to its usual way. 'My mommy used to talk like this when she wanted us to do something. I think it's soo efficient.'

Alrighty then. I guess she was just trying to break the ice.

'What's the next stop? We need to start planning.' it's the first thing Matt has said since thanking us, yesterday before we went to bed.

Angie then did something completely predictable - she shouted 'BACKSTREET BOYS!!'
How nice.

--

After I paid the receptionist to let me use his computer, a quick Google research told me that the Backstreet Boys were actually going to be in a reunion in the capital in.. exactly 5 hours.

And the capital is 4 hours and 35 minutes away with no traffic. NO TRAFFIC. And now it was 2:13 pm, and by when we get there, it will be a peak time, in one of the busiest cities in the world. Of course, this had to happen.

'We need to move right NOW.' Angie aka Captain Obvious states.
'Go, Miss Wolf. We will be your timer.' Matt says.
'You and miss Tupac will. I will go back to sleep.'
'We are all in this together, Alison.' I say, running back to my room.

In impressive 10 minutes, we are back on the road.

--

I would like to say I had no idea how we got there in time, but I know veeery well how.

I drove like a freaking maniac. I cut people off, I went 110 km/hr on a 60km/hr lane and well... I can just say I'm glad I didn't kill anyone, nor crashed into any other vehicles. There are probably twenty speed tickets on my name, but what could I do? I had to be in the capital to see the freaking Backstreet Boys. I would like to see the judge's face when I tell him that.

'So every time I craved Ben and Jerry's or felt like reading Bukowski it was only you guys whispering me YOUR own cravings?' I asked completely shocked. Not even my cravings were my own?
'Not every time. Sometimes it was your doing.' Matt answered.
MY biggest question mark of all was: 'But I don't understand why it took so long for you to interact with me.'

The GPS informed me I was 5 minutes away from the address they were supposed to be at. We were already 10 mins late.

'We aren't supposed to interact at all. We are supposed to work through your subconsciousness. Guiding you to places, making you talk to certain people.' Alison replied.
'It still doesn't make sense. How would I end up on the other side of the country talking to an inmate?'
Angie sighs. 'You wouldn't, silly. That's the point. We would be jumping from mind to mind until we were in someone who would have a reason to do so.'
'That's very unlikely, though.'  I say.
'You know when Nina died all of a sudden and it wasn't fair because she was such a good dog?' Angie was certainly spending some time through my memories. 'The way life isn't fair is the same  way death isn't either.'

Why hadn't I though Matt could be gay? I don't know. And I don't care. Who he slept with was and is my last concern. But it was more than that. As they talked, Alison, Angie and I found out the whole story.

Everything began at some point in the early 2000's. They met when Thor moved to Britain, and they were neighbors. It's very simple: they met, fell in love, got engaged. Living the dream. But then they started to fight. A lot. Over anything. When Thor's ex-boyfriend showed up on their doorstep, Matt flipped. You see, not only Matt thought Thor was cheating on him (all those arguments were because of how Thor was unfaithful in the past in previous relationships and was always lying) but  Franco, Thor's ex, was a highly hunted drug dealer. You literally saw his face in every newspaper - and even I remember this happening. Apparently he dealt millions worth of cocaine and weed to the UK and had control of the largest drug cartel in Europe. Anyhow, this fugitive was at Matt's house - a little flat in Manchester - and he was mad. Very mad. He said he wanted Thor, that he 'belonged' to him and all of those obsessive-abusive-boyfriend things. Thor kept denying any involvement, they were broken up for years after Franco disappeared because of his infamous status. They were on the phone with the cops when he stormed out the door.

After a couple hours, things were calmer. Matt went to take a bath after a stressful day and put Iron Maiden's 'Killers' (WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT??) blasting on his sound system and bathed for a while. He was half-way through Brave New World when tattooed hands reached his throat: Franco had gone back to kill him. He drowned Matt on the bubbly water. Matt died violently and suddenly, but what made him come back was his lover - who after seeing what Franco did, stabbed him 11 times with the pitcher* of the fireplace.

'I felt tormented, knowing that you are alive, and I am not, and I couldn't be there for you. But what tormented me the most, was the thought that you would feel like it was your fault.' Matt said, crying in my head, sobbing so uncontrollably it was difficult for me to understand. 'And it wasn't your fault. None of it. You couldn't possibly have known. It was only his fault - he was crazy and probably on a thousand different drugs and he was the one whose hands ended my life. Not you. Not you at all.'

At this point, none of us could not cry. Looking back, I didn't have time to comprehend the entire sadness of the situation - it was like I was watching a movie. Now, thinking of this memory, I don't think anything that I have ever gone through felt this real. I could feel the pain in the air as well as the regrets, the guilt, but the connection between Matt and Thor to this day, makes my skin crawl. Matt couldn't rest in peace until he was sure Thor believed it wasn't his fault. He couldn't pass over to death until his partner passed over in life.

Thor and I held hands until he was taken away - his absence made the room feel even colder. We then left as visiting hours were over.

My head ached profusely, and this was the most silent we all were in days. I asked Officer Ike for hotel recommendations and he pointed me to 'Slight Sleep', a 3-star motel a couple of kilometers away. I drove over, booked a night in there and took a hot shower - all whilst operating in auto-pilot. I felt completely drained, like someone struck my soul with a straw and sucked my energy away.

'Thank you,' Matt whispers when I lie down.
All of us reply a low  'you're welcome' while I drift away to a sleepless dream.

After I gathered supplies - some food, water, coffee, gas - I drove for almost 7 hours straight. Matt refused to tell me what I was supposed to do until I got there. When I reached 30 km away from the prison, I had to stop at a gas station to use the bathroom (I was dying to take a shit, Jesus, coffee fucks up my stomach) and eat a 'proper' breakfast. By proper, I meant something that wasn't so artificial that if I tested the food for cleaning agents, there wouldn't be any. I had a grilled cheese and hot chocolate - the sweetness of the drink contrasted amazingly well to the dying cold of the coast in Autumn. Matt strangely requested for me to buy watermelon gum and chew as I drive. I remember that at that point, I was too tired to question.

On that moment, nothing made sense in my head. My thoughts were tangled in a way not even a senior boy scout could undo. I rushed myself, trying to focus on one thing at time, failing miserably.
'Ok, breathe.' Matt's voice echoed.
I did. Many times. It wasn't like it was very hard, after all I have been doing this since I was born.
'Suitcase.' Alison said.
'Clothes,' Angie completed, 'you will need a heavy coat, underwear for five days, boots and that cute sweater from Zara.'
Alright, that was a start. I kept doing the mental lists in my head - toothpaste, passport, earphones - and in 20 minutes I had everything ready. I had to call Jerry, though, and tell him that my grandmother had died or something so I could take that one week off. I wasn't the type of person who missed a lot of days, so he let me go without saying shit. I had to promise cover extra shifts even though I was still going to be paid. Apparently, my ''presence in the office was absolutely vital''. Anyway. It pleased me how for the first time, everyone was incredibly calm, and it almost felt like I was 'normally'  taking a last-minute trip on my own for no specific reason. The moon ghostly painted the street and there were no stars visible, I observed, after I throwing my yellow gear bag in the back seat of my car as Matt warned me in a worried tone:
'Ms. Wolf, you need to hurry up. I can sense they are on their way.'
'Where am I going first?'
'The North Side Correctional Department is our first stop. ' He informs me.

'ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO A PRISON?' I yelled, my voice dying off with my freak out. It tends to reach a high-pitch when I get angry so I sounded like a spoiled 8-year-old whose toy she got for Christmas was in the wrong color.
'I know it's not ideal but..'
'MATT, THIS IS IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY.'
'Yes but..'
'AND IT'S A PRISON FOR MURDERS EXCLUSIVELY.'
'For damn's sake Germana, will you just go? You said you would help.' Matt snapped, the annoyance radiating from his voice.
'You did.' Alison said.
'You promised.' Angie reinforced.
'I didn't promise shit.' I drew a deep breath again, for the 40th time in that day, and turned my GPS. 'North Side Correctional Department it is.'