ink in pain

Mornings are bad as they are, but the particular one after the encounter with Thor was ''Donald Trump'' bad. The atmosphere between us was so heavy, if I were to weigh my head, it would weigh the same of Shaquille O'Neal's. And that guy weighs 147 kg altogether.

'Okay, peeps. Y'all hear me,' Angie's voice rang in my head like the worst hangover. 'We gotta move on. Wallowing on this situation ain't gonna help no one.'
I giggle. I can hear Matt smiling.
'Wow. You just sounded like a stereotypical black person.' Alison comments, speaking for all of us, unimpressed.
'Alison, you can't just tell people they sound black.' I said, in reference to Mean Girls. No one got it, needless to say.
'Yeah, that's just racist.' Angie's girly and high-pitched voice returned to its usual way. 'My mommy used to talk like this when she wanted us to do something. I think it's soo efficient.'

Alrighty then. I guess she was just trying to break the ice.

'What's the next stop? We need to start planning.' it's the first thing Matt has said since thanking us, yesterday before we went to bed.

Angie then did something completely predictable - she shouted 'BACKSTREET BOYS!!'
How nice.

--

After I paid the receptionist to let me use his computer, a quick Google research told me that the Backstreet Boys were actually going to be in a reunion in the capital in.. exactly 5 hours.

And the capital is 4 hours and 35 minutes away with no traffic. NO TRAFFIC. And now it was 2:13 pm, and by when we get there, it will be a peak time, in one of the busiest cities in the world. Of course, this had to happen.

'We need to move right NOW.' Angie aka Captain Obvious states.
'Go, Miss Wolf. We will be your timer.' Matt says.
'You and miss Tupac will. I will go back to sleep.'
'We are all in this together, Alison.' I say, running back to my room.

In impressive 10 minutes, we are back on the road.

--

I would like to say I had no idea how we got there in time, but I know veeery well how.

I drove like a freaking maniac. I cut people off, I went 110 km/hr on a 60km/hr lane and well... I can just say I'm glad I didn't kill anyone, nor crashed into any other vehicles. There are probably twenty speed tickets on my name, but what could I do? I had to be in the capital to see the freaking Backstreet Boys. I would like to see the judge's face when I tell him that.

'So every time I craved Ben and Jerry's or felt like reading Bukowski it was only you guys whispering me YOUR own cravings?' I asked completely shocked. Not even my cravings were my own?
'Not every time. Sometimes it was your doing.' Matt answered.
MY biggest question mark of all was: 'But I don't understand why it took so long for you to interact with me.'

The GPS informed me I was 5 minutes away from the address they were supposed to be at. We were already 10 mins late.

'We aren't supposed to interact at all. We are supposed to work through your subconsciousness. Guiding you to places, making you talk to certain people.' Alison replied.
'It still doesn't make sense. How would I end up on the other side of the country talking to an inmate?'
Angie sighs. 'You wouldn't, silly. That's the point. We would be jumping from mind to mind until we were in someone who would have a reason to do so.'
'That's very unlikely, though.'  I say.
'You know when Nina died all of a sudden and it wasn't fair because she was such a good dog?' Angie was certainly spending some time through my memories. 'The way life isn't fair is the same  way death isn't either.'

Why hadn't I though Matt could be gay? I don't know. And I don't care. Who he slept with was and is my last concern. But it was more than that. As they talked, Alison, Angie and I found out the whole story.

Everything began at some point in the early 2000's. They met when Thor moved to Britain, and they were neighbors. It's very simple: they met, fell in love, got engaged. Living the dream. But then they started to fight. A lot. Over anything. When Thor's ex-boyfriend showed up on their doorstep, Matt flipped. You see, not only Matt thought Thor was cheating on him (all those arguments were because of how Thor was unfaithful in the past in previous relationships and was always lying) but  Franco, Thor's ex, was a highly hunted drug dealer. You literally saw his face in every newspaper - and even I remember this happening. Apparently he dealt millions worth of cocaine and weed to the UK and had control of the largest drug cartel in Europe. Anyhow, this fugitive was at Matt's house - a little flat in Manchester - and he was mad. Very mad. He said he wanted Thor, that he 'belonged' to him and all of those obsessive-abusive-boyfriend things. Thor kept denying any involvement, they were broken up for years after Franco disappeared because of his infamous status. They were on the phone with the cops when he stormed out the door.

After a couple hours, things were calmer. Matt went to take a bath after a stressful day and put Iron Maiden's 'Killers' (WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT??) blasting on his sound system and bathed for a while. He was half-way through Brave New World when tattooed hands reached his throat: Franco had gone back to kill him. He drowned Matt on the bubbly water. Matt died violently and suddenly, but what made him come back was his lover - who after seeing what Franco did, stabbed him 11 times with the pitcher* of the fireplace.

'I felt tormented, knowing that you are alive, and I am not, and I couldn't be there for you. But what tormented me the most, was the thought that you would feel like it was your fault.' Matt said, crying in my head, sobbing so uncontrollably it was difficult for me to understand. 'And it wasn't your fault. None of it. You couldn't possibly have known. It was only his fault - he was crazy and probably on a thousand different drugs and he was the one whose hands ended my life. Not you. Not you at all.'

At this point, none of us could not cry. Looking back, I didn't have time to comprehend the entire sadness of the situation - it was like I was watching a movie. Now, thinking of this memory, I don't think anything that I have ever gone through felt this real. I could feel the pain in the air as well as the regrets, the guilt, but the connection between Matt and Thor to this day, makes my skin crawl. Matt couldn't rest in peace until he was sure Thor believed it wasn't his fault. He couldn't pass over to death until his partner passed over in life.

Thor and I held hands until he was taken away - his absence made the room feel even colder. We then left as visiting hours were over.

My head ached profusely, and this was the most silent we all were in days. I asked Officer Ike for hotel recommendations and he pointed me to 'Slight Sleep', a 3-star motel a couple of kilometers away. I drove over, booked a night in there and took a hot shower - all whilst operating in auto-pilot. I felt completely drained, like someone struck my soul with a straw and sucked my energy away.

'Thank you,' Matt whispers when I lie down.
All of us reply a low  'you're welcome' while I drift away to a sleepless dream.

After I gathered supplies - some food, water, coffee, gas - I drove for almost 7 hours straight. Matt refused to tell me what I was supposed to do until I got there. When I reached 30 km away from the prison, I had to stop at a gas station to use the bathroom (I was dying to take a shit, Jesus, coffee fucks up my stomach) and eat a 'proper' breakfast. By proper, I meant something that wasn't so artificial that if I tested the food for cleaning agents, there wouldn't be any. I had a grilled cheese and hot chocolate - the sweetness of the drink contrasted amazingly well to the dying cold of the coast in Autumn. Matt strangely requested for me to buy watermelon gum and chew as I drive. I remember that at that point, I was too tired to question.

On that moment, nothing made sense in my head. My thoughts were tangled in a way not even a senior boy scout could undo. I rushed myself, trying to focus on one thing at time, failing miserably.
'Ok, breathe.' Matt's voice echoed.
I did. Many times. It wasn't like it was very hard, after all I have been doing this since I was born.
'Suitcase.' Alison said.
'Clothes,' Angie completed, 'you will need a heavy coat, underwear for five days, boots and that cute sweater from Zara.'
Alright, that was a start. I kept doing the mental lists in my head - toothpaste, passport, earphones - and in 20 minutes I had everything ready. I had to call Jerry, though, and tell him that my grandmother had died or something so I could take that one week off. I wasn't the type of person who missed a lot of days, so he let me go without saying shit. I had to promise cover extra shifts even though I was still going to be paid. Apparently, my ''presence in the office was absolutely vital''. Anyway. It pleased me how for the first time, everyone was incredibly calm, and it almost felt like I was 'normally'  taking a last-minute trip on my own for no specific reason. The moon ghostly painted the street and there were no stars visible, I observed, after I throwing my yellow gear bag in the back seat of my car as Matt warned me in a worried tone:
'Ms. Wolf, you need to hurry up. I can sense they are on their way.'
'Where am I going first?'
'The North Side Correctional Department is our first stop. ' He informs me.

'ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO A PRISON?' I yelled, my voice dying off with my freak out. It tends to reach a high-pitch when I get angry so I sounded like a spoiled 8-year-old whose toy she got for Christmas was in the wrong color.
'I know it's not ideal but..'
'MATT, THIS IS IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY.'
'Yes but..'
'AND IT'S A PRISON FOR MURDERS EXCLUSIVELY.'
'For damn's sake Germana, will you just go? You said you would help.' Matt snapped, the annoyance radiating from his voice.
'You did.' Alison said.
'You promised.' Angie reinforced.
'I didn't promise shit.' I drew a deep breath again, for the 40th time in that day, and turned my GPS. 'North Side Correctional Department it is.'